Mothers of Black Sons Series: Kendra

Richard Dodds 0:00
Coming up later in the episode,

Kendra 0:02
to teach him to love yourself so much that he can accept the love of others. And he’ll know how to receive and give love to others. Because I think you know, my dad, he don’t love itself. And you know, recapping some of his behaviors, I realized why he does and did some of the things that he did, because he doesn’t love it. So so it’s been very important for me to teach my son as a black man to love itself.

Richard Dodds 0:34
This is still talking black, a show about giving perspectives to issues minorities face every day, I’m your host, Richard dies. This episode is the start of the mothers of Black Sons series. When I initially started this project, the idea was to take five different mothers of Black Sons stories, and put them together asking them all similar questions. But after listening back to the footage, each of them other stories was so unique that I wanted to give each woman a chance to tell their story. So instead of trying to compile it into one episode, I decided to make it a series so that everyone can hear what these women had to say. I think the bond between a mother and a son is very special, there are more things that you have to think of when you have a black side. I know there are lessons that both of my parents taught me. But some of the lessons that I got from my mom were lessons that only a mother could teach. So this is the first episode of the series this week. And then in the following weeks, I’ll be releasing two episodes per week, one one day and one Friday, I hope that you enjoy, and thank you to the mothers who provided their voice. If you like what we’re doing here, still talking black, the best way to show your support is by liking rating and sharing content by emerge from our store, still talking Black Forest slash shop, or donating using the link in the show description. Every little bit helps. Thank you for your continuous support.

Kendra 2:03
I’m Kendra and my son is 14.

Richard Dodds 2:07
So how did you feel when you found out that you’re having a boy?

Kendra 2:10
Oh my god, I was so excited because I had already had a girl. So I was like, oh my god, I got the perfect life now.

Richard Dodds 2:17
Where you wanted a boy?

Kendra 2:21
After I had my daughter? Yes. Initially when I had my daughter wanted to have boy girl twins. But of course that didn’t happen. So. So to know that I had a boy after that was super excited. And his dad was really excited too, because you know, he wanted a son, of course. So who’s really excited, I thought that, you know, I get to see how my son, how my son would come out versus my daughter.

Richard Dodds 2:46
So what is it like being a mother of a son? I mean, you actually have something to compare it to because you actually have a daughter as well.

Kendra 2:53
Mm hmm. I think is rough because I feel like, honestly, since his dad is not in the picture. I feel like I fail him a lot. And I feel him in the way like, I don’t I’m not the most active when it comes to like sports and stuff. So like, I’m not very, let’s go play basketball together. Let’s go. I don’t know what the hell guys do, like go to the woods. So I feel like I fail him in those places, really? So I will say I have feel, I don’t know, a little loss, honestly. Do you

Richard Dodds 3:27
feel like you’re trying to supplement your role with the role of his father who’s absent?

Kendra 3:34
I don’t I feel like I’m obligated to. But I don’t know that I do. So I think I’m good about the things that I know men should do. You know, and that’s, you know, teach him those things. But I always questioned like, Am I doing it? Right? Like, you know, am I being too hard on him? Am I not being hard enough on him? Am I actually and then there’s that saying, you know, a woman can’t raise a man you know, and I don’t I won’t say I know that to be true or not. But I think that does play in the back of my mind. Like am I actually going to ruin this?

Richard Dodds 4:18
This really this really deep when you think about it, because you’re responsible for like a whole human and you just want to do the best that you can but I feel like all you can do is the best you can right so how would you how would you explain the connection between your your song?

Kendra 4:39
Man you know what? The quick connection between me and my son is crazy because I feel like he has this weird connection with me like he’ll he knows when something is wrong with me. Even if I’m doing a good job of hiding it. You know like he can just sense that something I was wrong, even if it’s something like, he’ll be like, are you okay? Like, do you have a headache? So it’s crazy the connection that I have with my son, I think we’re super tight on. on that level. You know, it’s almost like, I don’t want to say like my guardian angel. But somewhere along those lines, if, if that makes sense at all,

Richard Dodds 5:21
are those Do you feel like your son as your protector? No,

Kendra 5:25
I think he feels that way. But I don’t feel I feel like I’m his protector.

Richard Dodds 5:32
What are some important lessons you’ve taught? Are you playing a teacher song,

Kendra 5:35
I taught him and I’m going to continue to teach him to love yourself, to love yourself so much, that he can accept the love of others. And he’ll know how to receive and give love to others. Because I think growing up, and at the time, I didn’t know but when I grew up, and to be an adult, I realized, you know, my dad, he don’t love itself. And, you know, recapping some of his, you know, his behaviors, I realized why he does and did some of the things that he did, because he doesn’t love itself. So it’s been very important for me to teach my son as a black man to love itself.

Richard Dodds 6:22
I think that’s a very important lesson. And it sounds like you’re teaching him lessons that you wish that men in your life have been taught? Would that be accurate? Yes, absolutely. So do you feel like you’re trying to help your son become a man that a woman will be proud or any partner would be proud to have?

Kendra 6:46
Oh, yes, of course, of course. And I want him to, you know, be a stand up guy, you know, I teach him how important it is for men to keep his word, you know, teach him how important it is to feel and express itself. And, you know, I feel like, I’m kind of teaching him to be hole, a hole man, from what I know, from the failures that I’ve seen in the men in my life, and some of the successes successes that I’ve seen in some of the men in my life. And then just me being a woman, and knowing the qualities that we value in a man and I try to teach him all of those things. So yeah, like, I would like that, that would make me a successful mother to know that anybody in his circle, whether that be a friend or a romantic lover, that they are proud to be in this man’s presence. Like, I’m proud to be this man’s friend. I’m proud to be this man’s woman, and wife one day, so yeah.

Richard Dodds 7:47
Are there any different lessons that you’ve had to teach your son that black mothers don’t have to teach their children? Oh,

Kendra 7:54
yeah. So I had to teach them. I have to teach him early on that, you know, life is gonna be triple hard on you just because you’re black. You know, I taught him some things about unfortunately, colorism and my son is a lighter skinned, you know, black. So, how to teach him, you know, what, men are gonna try you, you know, women might think that you are softer than you are just because you light skin, you know, and men are gonna test you because they don’t think you softer than your in the eyes are going to be against you. Just because you’re black, you know? So, I’ve definitely it and I think anytime we’re, you know, hit with something in the culture, like black culture, you know, I think anytime something like that comes about is the opportunity where I can I have to sit down and have another conversation with him about it, because it’s something I don’t think you say one time, but it’s something that I think I want to ingrain in him so that he understands what it is to be a black man in America.

Richard Dodds 9:09
Canada Yeah, your son is mixed. So do you feel like it’s any extra lessons? You know, sometimes you can see not fitting in either group thing that’s something that I talked to with Sabrina Dana on biracial episode, sometimes you don’t people that are black, they don’t necessarily think you’re black enough and then you can’t really and people like white people might be like you’re not wide enough. So you’re not black enough. You’re not wide enough. You ever caught yourself have to talk to him, teach them lessons about being happy where he is?

Kendra 9:42
Oh, absolutely. I’m very vocal with my kids about that kind of stuff. So yeah, you know, and the reality of it is like I told him at the end of the day, even though you are half white, you’re not white in a white people’s eyes. You black and that’s what it is. So There’s no, there’s no benefit, really, of him being white, you know, at the end of the day, he’s still black. And as far as him feeling like he is not going to fit in with either side, I’ve had that conversation with him to know like, and that’s something that I kind of meant when I said, like, you know, men are gonna test you, they’re gonna test you, you LiveScan we’re pretty hair, black man, like they don’t think you weak, you know, and to, and this is why I go back to me teaching him to love yourself, because you gotta love the fact that you not you black and white, you gotta love that wholeheartedly. Because there has been and there is always going to be a time where you’re with blacks, and they feel oh, but you have white. Oh, but you’re not for Black. Oh, but you did this. So you know, that’s something white people do. You know? So you it’s important for him to actually be in love with himself, because that’s something that he’s gonna have to deal with for the rest of his life. You know, it’s an ongoing thing. And I think it’s, it sucks that he has to go through that. Because, you know, the saying is that black people are some of the most accepting people but I challenged that and think that we are to a degree.

Richard Dodds 11:16
I mean, it’s interesting to see the perspective you know, because a lot of times when your MCs if you have your MCs Will White then they don’t once you’re black, you’re black. Like it’s no it’s no other mix, like people just see you as black, the cops are gonna see you as black. You might be light skinned black, what’s your black regardless, so it was interesting to get that perspective, with America being away is Taurus black man, what are some ways that you’re preparing your son to be a man?

Kendra 11:49
No, just just, just like I said, I really want him to understand that 100% is not enough. So you go out and you work, you give it 200 300 You give it everything plus a more. You know, and that’s, that’s pretty much it. That’s what any and everything that he does,

Richard Dodds 12:09
you got to stay Oh, adage, where we got to do twice as much to get just the normal amount, right?

Kendra 12:15
Mm hmm. To get average credit.

Richard Dodds 12:18
So once you had your son, look in the news, media, auto tragedies, especially the ones perpetrated towards black man, do those hit differently once you had your son? Did it hit you a different way.

Kendra 12:31
I’m gonna say when I first had my son, I was probably in a bubble because I was oblivious to a lot of things that was happening to black men, because I had my son young and I grew up very sheltered. And my parents were not really involved in black culture at all, like, at all, really? Hence, that’s probably why he’s mixed now. You know? But at the time, no, I didn’t really say I’m just like, I’m just having a baby, you know, okay, great. I’m having a little boy, great. But as he’s gotten older in, in, you know, seeing some of the things that’s happened in black community to black people, I become more aware of myself. And I’ve kind of emerged myself into a culture to learn more and doing like, even on my show, like having more conversations with black men and being more involved in you know, with what’s going on with black men, so that I can teach my son

Richard Dodds 13:26
as far as I hear you say that just because you are so into black culture now, to say here that you say that you weren’t raised and black culture the way it is mind blowing, really, you know, like a lot of the stuff that you’re talking about stuff that like I talked about growing up neutral, and not understanding that I understood that the world treated black people different. But now I really trying to explore my blackness, I just was like, everything in my bubble is safe. So the world must be safe. Yeah, you have those moments that wake you up from that, that neutral position, and then you become woke and then you become active. And it’s just a whole process. And you can be woke in some areas, and you can be neutral in other areas still. And it’s like, each time it’s a jolt to be woken up from going from being neutral to actually understanding what the situation is.

Kendra 14:19
Oh, yes. Oh, my God, I feel like I have so much to say in that realm that I need to actually do my own show about it. Just based on the fact that, you know, I wasn’t really raised to know about black coaches, like when I was like a little girl, I think when the Rodney King incident happened, and I had asked my mom like what was happening? And I remember she said, you know, they, you know, they beat up a black guy and I was like, why? You know, and she was like, you know, just because he blacked and then I was like, Well that, you know, that doesn’t make sense. Why did they do that? You know, and that was the end of the conversation. So she you know, looking back As a mother myself, that was an opportunity for her to teach me and it. That was like I said, that was

Richard Dodds 15:06
it. So, like, once your eyes open, you can’t close them back. And yes, it’s like being in a matrix.

Kendra 15:13
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Richard Dodds 15:17
What is the and this is this is an inclusive this. So what is the biggest joy of being a mom?

Kendra 15:24
Oh my god, I think one of the biggest joys of being a mom is seeing my hard work, pay off. And when I say that, it’s like, every teaching moment, every moment of guidance, everything that I am, because your kids learn so much by what you do. Even if you say something else, what you do matters what they see you do matters. And when I see my kids, they’re young adults now, right? And I’m just so proud of who they are. Because they’re their individual people. They’re not being guided by social media. They form my own opinions. And they okay with standing alone, because I think part of loving yourself is knowing how to stand alone when somebody doesn’t agree with me, or someone does not see the things that the way that I see him. And I see that in them. And oh my god, I’m just so proud of that. Because I have I did that by myself. So that’s my best moment of being a mom.

Richard Dodds 16:32
I mean, that’s a that’s a pretty significant thing. And that’s pretty. That’s pretty awesome. Thank you. One of the things that I’ve said, I’ve said this before, I’ve said it 1000 times, but I have always learned more from what my parents did and how they carried themselves then the things that they said so yeah,

Kendra 16:55
absolutely.

Richard Dodds 16:56
Definitely. Well, Kendra, thank you for coming on. I appreciate it. Of course, thank

Kendra 17:01
you for having me.

Richard Dodds 17:05
That’s all we have for this one. Remember, it’s a series and more episodes will be coming on next week. But before you go, I would like to put a little spotlight on Atlanta, spotlight on melon as the part of the show where I like to spotlight a creator influencer artists, business owner or activist of color. Today I would like to spotlight Kendra. Kendra is a fellow podcaster her show coffee with Kansas he talks about a number of different topics, including love. I’ve appeared on the show a number of times, and she also co hosts a live show on Instagram called grown man logic. Make sure you go check her out. You can find Kindred at the real Kandra on Instagram. That’s th e r e a l l k e n d ra you can check out her show coffee with Kendra wherever you listen to podcasts. All of her information is in the show notes. If you or someone you know would like the chance to be featured on spotlight on melanin, send us an email at spotlight at still talking black.com Please include links to their social media and why you feel they should be spotlighted. Again everyone thank you for listening. Still talking black because the crown culture media LLC production. It is produced by me Richard DODDS our theme music was created by the DJ blue. Please make sure to rate and subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app. You can follow the show on Instagram at still talking black. But until next time, keep talking

Transcribed by https://otter.ai